Christophers

"Alright? Mar meht foncies yoh.
Will yoh goo aht wi mar meht?
Ee sid yoh dancin from over there
An ee thinks yoh look greht."

"Yam jokin ay ya? I ay sad.
Cor yoh see arm a bostin lass?
Ee's godda fehce lark the back of an oss
An'ee looks lark ee's chewin a wàsp."

"Ar goo on, ee ay that bad.
Yoh doh wannoo urt im dun ya?
Arkatcho, yoh ay much bedda,
Yoh look lark yam an ooer."

"Yoh wanna shut ya fehce doh yah?
Why cor ya gi'it a rest?
I ay gooin aht wi yah ugly meht.
Clear off, yam bein a pest."

"Ar tell yoh wha, ere's mar meht's numba,
Why doh ya gi'im a call?
An ak'chully, while yam ad i,
Av yoh godda sister an all?"

©Simon Parkin

and the translation:

"Hello. My friend finds you attractive.
Will you go out with my friend?
He saw you dancing from over there
And he thinks you look great."

"You are joking aren't you. I'm not stupid.
Can't you see I'm a good-looking girl?
He has got a face like the rear-end of a horse
And he looks like he is chewing a wasp."

"Oh, go on, he's not that bad.
You don't want to hurt him do you?
Look at you, you are not much better,
You look like you're a whore."

"You want to shut up don't you?
Why can't you give it a rest?
I am not going out with your ugly friend.
Go away, you are being a pest."

"I will tell you what, here is my friend's number,
Why don't you give him a call?
And actually, while you are at it,
Have you got a sister as well?"

Doesn't sound quite the same does it?

Christophers was the name of a nightclub in Wallheath, West Midlands where this type of conversation was the norm at the regular, under-18s night.